is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
