At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
