Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
