Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
