Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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