woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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