gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The best revenge is premature balding
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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