6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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