i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
