I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
