god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
