Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
