The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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