I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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