now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
