i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
