some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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