I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
