is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
