I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
