i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
