Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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