I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
