Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
