my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?