so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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