Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.