mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.