I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober