the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
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I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.