best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
