Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.