i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM