why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
