Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
