He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
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And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
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I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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