Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Alive.
So much puke
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
