I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
