So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
