i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
