So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
