maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
