I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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