The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
