I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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