I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
