ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
