Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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