Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
