I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
