I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
