dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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