I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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