She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he fucked my hip out of place.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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