I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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