remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
