I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
