They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
