i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
