I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
