One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
