I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
