Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
