Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
