NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
