Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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