Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
